Open letter to a despondent Pirates fan, now considering switching his allegiance to the Yankees

Dude...

WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU THINKING? Do you care nothing for your eternal soul, to say nothing of your dignity, your pride, your family? The Yankees SUCK. They will always SUCK. The organization is run like the Nazi party. Their fans are the most undisciplined, front-running, loudmouthed, foul, stupid, ignorant, ugly collection of cocksucking motherfuckers this side of the KKK.

ALL YANKEE FANS GO TO HELL WHEN THEY DIE. It's as simple as that.

It takes no balls to be a Yankee fan. None. They're a bunch of swaggering pussies.

Yankee fans sit back with the rest of the mob in that hellmouth coliseum of a stadium, waiting for the lions to devour the christians, and act like they had something to do with it when they do.

They think that winning the World Series every year is their birthright, and consider the very notion that another team (or its fans) should deserve a World Championship every once in a while an insult. They take pride in thinking like this. Yankee fans are like spoiled children, and I don't mean just any spoiled children - I mean Uday and Qusay Hussein.

Go to any ballpark in the country and find the loudest, most obnoxious asshole in the stands. The guy who's cursing loudly in front of thirteen young children, ten women old enough to be your grandmother, and a convent-sized contingent of nuns. He's drunk, even though he's spilled half of his beers all over himself and the nuns, he hasn't taken a shower in what smells like a week, and his wife has two black eyes and at least one limb precariously ensconced in a tobacco-juice stained plaster cast, yet he thinks he's so cool, he can get your girlfriend to blow him behind the concession stand. Of course, he knows nothing about baseball. He boos the shortstop who's hitting .330 and hasn't made an error all year, because his power numbers don't suggest steroid use. If a player breaks up a double play with a hard slide, he calls him a dirty bum. If another player slaps the ball out of a fielder's hand (spiking both of the fielder's feet in the process), however, "the guy's just doing whatever it takes to win." Even cheating. This man is a dyed-in-the-wool, pinstripe-dicked Yankee fan.

Now Mike tells me that you, a friend of his, are considering throwing in your lot with THESE ASSHOLES? ARE...YOU...FUCKING...WITH...ME? Say it ain't so.

And by the way, what would Willie Stargell think of this move, eh? Or Andy van Slyke? OR BILL MAZEROSKI?! ROBERTO CLEMENTE?!?!?! You can't join the mob without throwing bricks at their stained-glass windows in the Church of Baseball.

The Pirates may be in a bad way right now, but you've got some serious history with them. History that transcends losing years (or decades - and I am sorry about that). And yes, they stink right now, but they're not the Royals. They DO have a farm system, and one of these days, they're going to win another World Series. Have you considered how you'll feel if they win it against the Yankees and you've gone over to the dark side? The phone calls you'll get from all of your friends who stayed loyal to the cause while you abandoned them? The phone call you'll get from your DAD? You'll look around whatever shit-stinking Yankee bar you're in, at all of the jag-offs throwing beer bottles at the TV, yelling, "Bullshit! Bullshit! 26 rings, motherfucker! You guys still suck," and you'll want to kill yourself. That won't take long, either - just mention once that you're happy for your former team, and a Yankee fan will probably slit your throat and pay your mother a visit.

So, for the sake of your soul, your family, your friends - for the sake all that is good and decent in the American heart, not to mention the world - don't do it. Don't spend good money to act like an asshole for the sake of winning. Yankee fans cheapen the value of human life.

Good luck, and Go Pirates.

Yours,
Dr. Chuck

P.S.

"The Yankee Hater's Song"

I hate the fucking Yankees,
In every way I can.
I hate their fucking Stadium,
I hate their fucking fans.
I hate them fuckin' fucking every twelve-year-old they can.
I hate the fucking Yankees - It's just who the fuck I am.

Fuck that fuck Matsui,
And his fucking ballsack's lice.
His people bombed Pearl Harbor
Without thinking twice.
The only balls he knows about are made of fuckin' rice.
Fuck that fuck Matsui. Fuck that fucking fucker twice.

Fuck that fuck Giambi,
That steroid-addled freak.
He swings a wicked bat,
But he's afraid to take a leak.
He put on twenty pounds of fuckin' muscle in a week.
Fuck that fuck Giambi, he's too fuckin' dumb to speak.


Fuck that fucker A-Rod,
And fuck his agent too.
I guess twenty mil' a year
Is worth a soul to you.
The bullshit golden boy ended up looking like dull brass -
He'll need that wad of bills to stop the bleeding from his ass.

Fuck that fucker Jeter
In ways too foul to describe.
Fuck his fucking mother,
Fuck his fucking wife.
Motherfuck that fucking smirk, and fuck his TV ad.
Fuck all fifty of his kids who still don't know their dad.

Fuck the fucking Yankees,
Fuck 'em in the ass.
Fuck 'em in a stadium,
Fuck 'em in the grass.
Fuck 'em with a baseball bat, fuck 'em with a can.
Fuck the fucking Yankees, 'cause not one's a fuckin' man.