The V.A.D.C.
Charter of the Venerable Association of Drunken Celts
Whereas we, the undersigned founding members, have determined that, considering our God-given constitutions and purposes, the pleasures and diversions of pedestrian existence will never suffice, and
Determined that drink and debauch should never perish from this Earth,
Whereas, our ancestors have bestowed upon us the obligation of being upright, honorable, tradition-respecting, and devoted men of the drink, and
Whereas, no extant organization currently known to us provides for the fulfillment of the aforementioned, and
Therefore we, in the name of friendship and good times, do hereby declare ourselves The Venerable Association of Drunken Celts, set forth the following rules of our association, and agree to abide by them so long as the drink flows freely.
I. Membership
Any man of Scots, Irish, or Welsh descent is eligible to be a member of the Association, upon the nomination of a current member of the inducting chapter and the subsequent approval of a simple majority of the inducting chapter’s members.
Any man not of Scots, Irish, or Welsh descent, who will publicly forswear all fealty to the British Crown, is eligible to be a member of the Association, upon the nomination of a current member of the inducting chapter and the subsequent approval of the whole of the inducting chapter’s members.
Any man or woman involved in either a romantic or purely sexual relationship with a current member is eligible to be a provisional member of the Association, upon both the nomination of another current member of the inducting chapter, the approval of that chapter’s Chief Drunk, and the subsequent approval of the whole of the inducting chapter’s members. Should the relationship end in breakup, divorce, or marriage, the question of the provisional member’s continued tenure in the Association shall be the sole decision of his or her former partner, unless the provisional member has been a member of the inducting chapter for more than two calendar years.
The nomination and approval of all new members will be conducted in secret among the current members of their inducting chapter. The Chief Drunk of the inducting chapter, along with the respective nominating members, will together extend formal offers of membership to new members only after they have been nominated and approved. A new member shall be inducted into the Association by placing his right hand upon a copy of this charter, his left hand upon a bottle of whiskey, and swearing an oath of loyalty to the Association. The oath may take any form. It shall be composed by the nominating member, and administered by the president of the inducting chapter. For six hours subsequent to taking the oath of membership, a new member, upon the order of any member of the inducting chapter, must take a drink.
A member may be expelled from the Association upon the motion of another member and the approval of the whole of his chapter’s members.
II. Officers
Each chapter will elect its own officers by majority vote. Each chapter may create as many official titles as it wishes, but must have at least the obligatory offices of Chief Drunk, Vice Drunk, and Secretary. Any member may nominate any other member for any office. Elections for the three obligatory offices must be held by secret ballot. All other offices may be voted on by a voice vote.
The Chief Drunk of a chapter shall be responsible for ensuring each member’s adherence to both this charter and to his chapter’s bylaws. He shall preside over meetings, attempting to maintain some semblance of parliamentary procedure for as long as he is able.
The Vice Drunk of a chapter shall be responsible for nothing, unless the Chief Drunk confers all of his powers upon him, or is removed from office.
The Secretary of a chapter shall be responsible for recording all official business and ensuring that each member has a place to sleep or safe transportation home at the end of a meeting. If the Secretary wishes to abstain from these responsibilities for the length of a particular meeting, he shall declare his intention to do so at the beginning of that meeting. The Chief Drunk will then nominate a replacement from among the members present, to be approved by a majority vote thereof.
III. Meetings
The Chief Drunk shall begin each meeting by calling the members to order.
Each meeting shall commence with the singing of “Flower Of Scotland,” “The Minstrel Boy,” and “Men of Harlech,” along with “The Star-Spangled Banner.” If possible, the singing should be accompanied by a live bagpiper, or failing this, a decent recording.
The Chief Drunk shall conclude the discussion of all official business by declaring, “The Bastards, The Bastards!” Upon this utterance, all official business will conclude, and all members shall proceed to appropriate states of drunkenness and debauch, overseen though not directed by the Chief Drunk.
Each member is responsible for bringing a quantity of alcohol to each meeting sufficient to render a man of average size and above-average constitution drunk.
No member shall ever depart a meeting before he is drunk, unless he is responsible for the safe transport home of other members.
IV. Disputes
Boxing matches shall settle all disputes arising between members during the course of a meeting. Each boxing match shall be officiated by the Chief Drunk, or by a member that he appoints. If the Chief Drunk is a participant in a match, the Vice Drunk or a member that he appoints will officiate the match. If both the Chief and Vice Drunk are participants, they must agree on another member to officiate the match. All matches will be fought in rounds of two minutes in duration with breaks of one minute in between rounds. All matches shall continue until a winner is determined either by submission, or by the decision of the officiant. At no time should the participants hit one another about the head, unless each participant is wearing suitable boxing gloves. Any member throwing a head shot during a match is subject to immediate beating and expulsion from the meeting.
V. Alcohol
Any manner of booze may be consumed during the course of a meeting. However, all manner of fruity or sugary liquors, so-called “malternative” beverages, and wine coolers are strictly forbidden. Those daring to bring them are subject to immediate beating and expulsion from the meeting.
VI. Founding of New Chapters
New chapters may be founded by an emissary of an existing chapter appointed by majority vote of his chapter. The new chapter’s founding, however, must be approved by a majority vote of all chapters’ Chief Drunks. If geography prevents a meeting of Chief Drunks from being held within a month of the proposed establishment of a new chapter, their vote may be conducted via teleconference or electronic mail. If geography prevents the sending of an emissary, the Chief Drunk of a chapter may declare a new chapter founded upon receipt of a copy of the charter that has been signed by all of the founding members of the new chapter.
Whereas we, the undersigned founding members, have determined that, considering our God-given constitutions and purposes, the pleasures and diversions of pedestrian existence will never suffice, and
Determined that drink and debauch should never perish from this Earth,
Whereas, our ancestors have bestowed upon us the obligation of being upright, honorable, tradition-respecting, and devoted men of the drink, and
Whereas, no extant organization currently known to us provides for the fulfillment of the aforementioned, and
Therefore we, in the name of friendship and good times, do hereby declare ourselves The Venerable Association of Drunken Celts, set forth the following rules of our association, and agree to abide by them so long as the drink flows freely.
I. Membership
Any man of Scots, Irish, or Welsh descent is eligible to be a member of the Association, upon the nomination of a current member of the inducting chapter and the subsequent approval of a simple majority of the inducting chapter’s members.
Any man not of Scots, Irish, or Welsh descent, who will publicly forswear all fealty to the British Crown, is eligible to be a member of the Association, upon the nomination of a current member of the inducting chapter and the subsequent approval of the whole of the inducting chapter’s members.
Any man or woman involved in either a romantic or purely sexual relationship with a current member is eligible to be a provisional member of the Association, upon both the nomination of another current member of the inducting chapter, the approval of that chapter’s Chief Drunk, and the subsequent approval of the whole of the inducting chapter’s members. Should the relationship end in breakup, divorce, or marriage, the question of the provisional member’s continued tenure in the Association shall be the sole decision of his or her former partner, unless the provisional member has been a member of the inducting chapter for more than two calendar years.
The nomination and approval of all new members will be conducted in secret among the current members of their inducting chapter. The Chief Drunk of the inducting chapter, along with the respective nominating members, will together extend formal offers of membership to new members only after they have been nominated and approved. A new member shall be inducted into the Association by placing his right hand upon a copy of this charter, his left hand upon a bottle of whiskey, and swearing an oath of loyalty to the Association. The oath may take any form. It shall be composed by the nominating member, and administered by the president of the inducting chapter. For six hours subsequent to taking the oath of membership, a new member, upon the order of any member of the inducting chapter, must take a drink.
A member may be expelled from the Association upon the motion of another member and the approval of the whole of his chapter’s members.
II. Officers
Each chapter will elect its own officers by majority vote. Each chapter may create as many official titles as it wishes, but must have at least the obligatory offices of Chief Drunk, Vice Drunk, and Secretary. Any member may nominate any other member for any office. Elections for the three obligatory offices must be held by secret ballot. All other offices may be voted on by a voice vote.
The Chief Drunk of a chapter shall be responsible for ensuring each member’s adherence to both this charter and to his chapter’s bylaws. He shall preside over meetings, attempting to maintain some semblance of parliamentary procedure for as long as he is able.
The Vice Drunk of a chapter shall be responsible for nothing, unless the Chief Drunk confers all of his powers upon him, or is removed from office.
The Secretary of a chapter shall be responsible for recording all official business and ensuring that each member has a place to sleep or safe transportation home at the end of a meeting. If the Secretary wishes to abstain from these responsibilities for the length of a particular meeting, he shall declare his intention to do so at the beginning of that meeting. The Chief Drunk will then nominate a replacement from among the members present, to be approved by a majority vote thereof.
III. Meetings
The Chief Drunk shall begin each meeting by calling the members to order.
Each meeting shall commence with the singing of “Flower Of Scotland,” “The Minstrel Boy,” and “Men of Harlech,” along with “The Star-Spangled Banner.” If possible, the singing should be accompanied by a live bagpiper, or failing this, a decent recording.
The Chief Drunk shall conclude the discussion of all official business by declaring, “The Bastards, The Bastards!” Upon this utterance, all official business will conclude, and all members shall proceed to appropriate states of drunkenness and debauch, overseen though not directed by the Chief Drunk.
Each member is responsible for bringing a quantity of alcohol to each meeting sufficient to render a man of average size and above-average constitution drunk.
No member shall ever depart a meeting before he is drunk, unless he is responsible for the safe transport home of other members.
IV. Disputes
Boxing matches shall settle all disputes arising between members during the course of a meeting. Each boxing match shall be officiated by the Chief Drunk, or by a member that he appoints. If the Chief Drunk is a participant in a match, the Vice Drunk or a member that he appoints will officiate the match. If both the Chief and Vice Drunk are participants, they must agree on another member to officiate the match. All matches will be fought in rounds of two minutes in duration with breaks of one minute in between rounds. All matches shall continue until a winner is determined either by submission, or by the decision of the officiant. At no time should the participants hit one another about the head, unless each participant is wearing suitable boxing gloves. Any member throwing a head shot during a match is subject to immediate beating and expulsion from the meeting.
V. Alcohol
Any manner of booze may be consumed during the course of a meeting. However, all manner of fruity or sugary liquors, so-called “malternative” beverages, and wine coolers are strictly forbidden. Those daring to bring them are subject to immediate beating and expulsion from the meeting.
VI. Founding of New Chapters
New chapters may be founded by an emissary of an existing chapter appointed by majority vote of his chapter. The new chapter’s founding, however, must be approved by a majority vote of all chapters’ Chief Drunks. If geography prevents a meeting of Chief Drunks from being held within a month of the proposed establishment of a new chapter, their vote may be conducted via teleconference or electronic mail. If geography prevents the sending of an emissary, the Chief Drunk of a chapter may declare a new chapter founded upon receipt of a copy of the charter that has been signed by all of the founding members of the new chapter.
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